Lil' eleven, we hardly knew thee

Among all the leading one-year-olds in the public eye today, there are precious few that can so succinctly define a generation. One such one-year-old is the outspoken Ethan Walker Rhodes. Cornpancakes sat down with Ethan for an exclusive one-on-one interview and photo shoot to find out what’s happening with this trendsetter and what we can expect from him in the future.

Cornpancakes: Thank you so much for sitting down with us, you must have quite the hectic schedule these days.
Ethan: Glad to do it.
Cornpancakes: I notice you’re wearing your infamous “stripey pajamas” tonight. Any reason why?
Ethan: (laughs) Well, you caught me just before night-night, but I guess I wanted to give my fans a little something too.
Cornpancakes: There’s been a lot of talk about you and the toe, when’s it going to happen?
Ethan: We’re scheduled for tomorrow (Thursday, November 10) around 6 AM. Hence the early night-night.
Cornpancakes: What was your motivation for removing the superfluous toe?
Ethan: We don’t like to say superfluous around here, it’s been my biggest asset! It's the shoes. We live in a shoe-centric society, and unfortunately, I don't think I ever had much of a choice. Really, it wasn’t an easy decision. I’ve got a lot to balance; My sitting on my bum, getting up on my hands and knees, chewing on stuff and yelling at the top of my lungs for no reason at all can be taxing. I mean I’m only taking about 90 minutes for each meal right now, and am fitting in only about one Baby Einstein a day. We knew this was coming, and this doesn’t seem like the right time, but we gotta do it. The shoe situation is unbearable.

Cornpancakes: What do you plan to do with the toe?
Ethan: Good question. I’m about done with all the “keychain” jokes…
Cornpancakes: Err, I’ll scratch that one from my notepad here...
Ethan: No, but seriously, I think we might have a biopsy done, and if there’s anything left, hopefully some lucky kid can put it to good use.
Cornpancakes: Eww, like a transplant?
Ethan: Yeah, like a transplant.
Cornpancakes: One year ago, did you think you’d be where you are right now?
Ethan: NAAAAAA, NAAAAA, NAAAAAA, Ba Ba Ba, ooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOO, gudgy, gudgy, GUDGY, daaaaaayyyy, PBTTTTTTTHHHHHHHHHH.
Cornpancakes: I’m sorry?
Ethan: Short answer? No. One year ago I couldn’t hold up my head, but now, I can hold up my head, and most of my body. It has been amazing.
Cornpancakes: There was a recent publication that…
Ethan: Oh here it comes…
Cornpancakes: Well, we’d like to give you a chance set the record straight. There was a recent publication in mother and baby magazine that said, and I quote: “A close friend informed us that Ethan not only knows how to crawl, he can walk perfectly well, and can run the 50 in 13 seconds.” What do you want to say to that?
Ethan: Like most British rags of that type: it’s all lies, lies and distorted facts. I'm learning, I guess, but really, I don’t crawl because (grunt) frankly, the world comes to me. That’s my philosophy. Why go to the world, if it’s just going to come at me so I can (grunt) stare at or chew on it?
Cornpancakes: Do you need a minute?
Ethan: No, (to nearby mother and caretaker, Jenni Rhodes) Maaaamaaaaamaaaa, can you grab me a fresh, er, you know…
Cornpancakes: We can give you a minute if you…
Ethan: No! I’m fine, I mean, that’s just it. The diaper will show up, and I’ll get taken care of. (Long grunt) That’s just how my world is. It’s sad that so many people don’t get that, but it’s my life, and stay the [expletive] out of it.
Cornpancakes: Well what’s up next for you, Mr. Rhodes?
Ethan: Well, once the toe is off, I’ll be looking at pulling myself up, and getting prepared for my trip to Hawaii in December. I’m also pulling together an album out late Spring 2007.
Cornpancakes: You’ve been doing a lot of really eclectic underground stuff, what can we expect out of the album?
Ethan: Well, you’re right, it’s going to be eclectic. I like to make music out of the things in my life. I have thousands of digitized samples of various sounds that I weave together in my lab and get some pretty wild output. I currently am working on a kind of “Rockabilly meets Celtic” type of groove made entirely of the sounds of a plastic spoon on a high chair table, me slapping my fleshy naked thigh, and various James Brown samples.
Cornpancakes: Well we can’t wait, and we thank you for the interview and the shoot. I think it’s time for night-night.
Ethan: (Yawns) Milk makes me sleepy.
Cornpancakes: Me too.